Take It In: Or, How to be Vulnerable!

One of the patterns I recognize a lot in the people that I work with and with people who are drawn to self-development and working on themselves and really improving their lives and coaching and mentoring and therapy, there is a very common, almost measurable quality which is they are all incredibly generous, caring, thoughtful, sincere, aware, people who are compassionate, want to help others, want to do good, purpose driven. Yet the commonality seems to be that they have difficulty in receiving all of that for themselves, being able to really take it in.

So what I want to talk today about is what it means to really take it in.

I was giving an analogy to one of my clients yesterday about how to think of this.

In many ways, it's about intimacy. Taking something in is about being seen, it's about – there is almost a barrier of shame that comes up in being seen and yet, that's really what we want.

We just don't trust that we are going to be embraced and accepted once we are...

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Calling It In

Uncategorized Jan 08, 2016

Look back through 2015, this was a tough year for a lot of people. Not necessarily in relation to tragedy, but more so in terms of pushing through barriers and personal challenges. I’ve certainly noticed it in all of the coaching work I’ve been doing in the past year.

Think about some of the things that have been a highlight for you this year…

Where have you grown? How do you know that you’ve grown?

Maybe you made a huge decision to leave your job, embark on a new venture or finally start that project that you’ve always wanted to. Everything from relocation to reinvention.

Leave anything negative in 2015 behind you.

To be clear… I’m not a fan of “New Years Resolutions…

It’s really important to be aware of the seeds and intentions that you are planting for the year ahead.

Caution: Residual stress, grudges or angst will try to carry through to the new year. Don’t let it!

This conscious “moving on”...

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What Marriage Vows Should Sound Like

I'm going to talk to you today about what I call a corrective marriage vow, what a marriage vow should be because clearly what it tends to be is not working, not when the divorce rate is well over 50%, probably 70% at this point. So what I mean by corrective is this: rather than marriage most being "I promise I am going to do this" and "I'm sure you're going to do that till death us do part" and "I do" and all that kind of stuff.

Really what it comes down to and it's a little bit more elaborate, but what I talk to my couples about is this: what marriage vows should be, is along the lines of...

"Look I know I bring a lot of baggage that pre-existed before I even met you and I know I'm bringing it with me into the relationship; some of it I've worked through, some of it I haven't, but I know it's there. And there are going to be times when I'm going to blame you or project on to you that you are the baggage or that you are responsible for me having baggage and I know now that is not...

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A Cautionary Tale

For many years, one of my areas of specialty has been anxiety disorders. I have spent over two decades educating clients and students alike on the ins and outs of the signals and triggers of anxiety. I've found that through education and practical explanation, many of the common daily symptoms of generalized anxiety subside by demystifying the mischievous miscreant of the mind.

I explain that anxiety is merely a signal of conflict lurking beneath the surface, insistently tapping on the door of our psyche, demanding to be acknowledged. The more we turn him away, the louder his knocks and the more frequent and intrusive his visits...

Be warned that eventually he'll pound the door down with a heart-racing panic and likely over stay his welcome!

Prevention or Reparation?

I have always reminded my clients that the key to a crisis-free life is prevention. (After all, there's a reason we clear fire roads before fire season). That means paying attention to the signals and cautionary...

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The Merits of a Successful Divorce

Is there such a thing as a divorce being a success? Well there really is and I don't mean who ends up with more bang for their buck in court or who walks away with less custody arrangement. I'm talking about a mature completion of a relationship.

I've always said that divorce does not screw up kids. Kids are very resourceful, they like two of everything, no problem; two houses, two sets of X-box, not a problem. It's really the maturity or lack of maturity between the parents that can potentially do the damage. So, if you've got two people who are really destructive, angry, resentful, bitter, talking crap about each other to the kids – all of the no-nos, clearly that's not going to be very successful.

See You In Court!

So what does it mean to be a success? I certainly don't mean to make light of this or minimize the impact of it but what it really comes down to is the honoring of that relationship. I've spent many years helping couples go through this process because, let's...

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The Path To Reinvention

Reinvention is creating something new. So new that you wouldn't recognize it from before. I believe at some point in our lives, we all need to reinvent ourselves. But what does it take? In this Behind The Couch session, I give my 3 Keys to Reinvention.

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Essential Qualities for Lasting Connection

With the disheartening statistics of divorce in mind, I took it upon myself to find out what men and women really look for as essential qualities for true lasting connection... The results are as old fashioned as apple pie!

With a little help from my Facebook Friends...

For the purpose of exploring real desires of men and women, I gathered the responses of  75 women and 60 men from two different questions: (I changed the question for the men since they tend to focus on physical qualities rather than on deeper needs)

Ladies: What is the most essential quality you look for in a man?

Their responses covered over 20 different qualities with the 2 most popular qualities being INTEGRITY and FUNNY.

Yes, ladies, it seems that if a bloke has a good enough sense of humor and makes you laugh, (while not taking himself too seriously) you'll forgive him, even if he's acting like a stubborn selfish jerk! If he happens to have kind eyes and opens the door for you, that might well be grounds...

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Risking Disapproval

It's tough living in our heads.

I see so many people seeking approval from people they barely respect or don't even admire.

What on earth is motivating them?

There's a certain tedium in plowing through your dilemmas alone. No one to burden with our inner struggles over crucial decisions.

Libra's know what I'm talking about.

We all want to do the right thing. Make the right move. Be triumphant.

But there's no substitute for taking risks.

How would we ever figure out who we are if we didn't stand for something?

Stop cheating the system and thinking that you're going to get away with the risk of disapproval.

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A Date With The Universe

What do I want? Where can I find it?

It's one of the more common presenting issues that many of my clients face today. Him... or Her.

Even if you're in a blissful relationship. There's still that nagging question of "What really makes me (us) happy?"

What I've found for many of us is that we're just too busy to slow down and connect.

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True Friendship

Over the decades, my idea of friendship has chopped and changed… A friend is someone who tells you the truth; a man who treats you like a man; a woman who reflects your feminine side; a mother who nurtures your ‘inner child'; a child who brings out your vulnerability; someone who’s always ‘got your back'; a friend in need and, of course, ‘friends with benefits!’ (That never ends well!)

For me, friend-ship is a vessel on which we can sail the high seas and safely journey to land’s end.

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