One of the patterns I recognize a lot in the people that I work with and with people who are drawn to self-development and working on themselves and really improving their lives and coaching and mentoring and therapy, there is a very common, almost measurable quality which is they are all incredibly generous, caring, thoughtful, sincere, aware, people who are compassionate, want to help others, want to do good, purpose driven. Yet the commonality seems to be that they have difficulty in receiving all of that for themselves, being able to really take it in.
So what I want to talk today about is what it means to really take it in.
I was giving an analogy to one of my clients yesterday about how to think of this.
In many ways, it's about intimacy. Taking something in is about being seen, it's about – there is almost a barrier of shame that comes up in being seen and yet, that's really what we want.
We just don't trust that we are going to be embraced and accepted once we are...
For many years, one of my areas of specialty has been anxiety disorders. I have spent over two decades educating clients and students alike on the ins and outs of the signals and triggers of anxiety. I've found that through education and practical explanation, many of the common daily symptoms of generalized anxiety subside by demystifying the mischievous miscreant of the mind.
I explain that anxiety is merely a signal of conflict lurking beneath the surface, insistently tapping on the door of our psyche, demanding to be acknowledged. The more we turn him away, the louder his knocks and the more frequent and intrusive his visits...
Be warned that eventually he'll pound the door down with a heart-racing panic and likely over stay his welcome!
I have always reminded my clients that the key to a crisis-free life is prevention. (After all, there's a reason we clear fire roads before fire season). That means paying attention to the signals and cautionary...
Is there such a thing as a divorce being a success? Well there really is and I don't mean who ends up with more bang for their buck in court or who walks away with less custody arrangement. I'm talking about a mature completion of a relationship.
I've always said that divorce does not screw up kids. Kids are very resourceful, they like two of everything, no problem; two houses, two sets of X-box, not a problem. It's really the maturity or lack of maturity between the parents that can potentially do the damage. So, if you've got two people who are really destructive, angry, resentful, bitter, talking crap about each other to the kids – all of the no-nos, clearly that's not going to be very successful.
So what does it mean to be a success? I certainly don't mean to make light of this or minimize the impact of it but what it really comes down to is the honoring of that relationship. I've spent many years helping couples go through this process because, let's...
Reinvention is creating something new. So new that you wouldn't recognize it from before. I believe at some point in our lives, we all need to reinvent ourselves. But what does it take? In this Behind The Couch session, I give my 3 Keys to Reinvention.
What do I want? Where can I find it?
It's one of the more common presenting issues that many of my clients face today. Him... or Her.
Even if you're in a blissful relationship. There's still that nagging question of "What really makes me (us) happy?"
What I've found for many of us is that we're just too busy to slow down and connect.
Over the decades, my idea of friendship has chopped and changed… A friend is someone who tells you the truth; a man who treats you like a man; a woman who reflects your feminine side; a mother who nurtures your ‘inner child'; a child who brings out your vulnerability; someone who’s always ‘got your back'; a friend in need and, of course, ‘friends with benefits!’ (That never ends well!)
For me, friend-ship is a vessel on which we can sail the high seas and safely journey to land’s end.
Beware your inner Saboteur: he’s that little bugger who will pull your own rug out, just as you take your final step of the victory lap.
It doesn’t make sense, right? The stunning Super Model who has the world in the palm of her hand while she destroys herself with bulimia and a string of abusive boyfriends. The entrepreneur who throws away millions in a reckless wager in Vegas.
How about the recovering alcoholic with 20 years sobriety under his belt who relapses at his 20 year high school reunion?
Leave your thoughts and questions below. I'd be happy to answer them.
Say NO to Guilt! It isn’t even a real emotion; it’s as if we feel obliged to take on the feelings of someone close to us who needs us to feel their disappointment.
If there is one suggestion I can make to those of you needlessly suffering with "phantom" feelings of guilt... let it go - FAST! Whether you have a Jewish mum or a Baptist father, a needy room mate or co-dependent enabler, a stalking ex- or whining dog on the couch, DO NOT GET SUCKED IN!!
There seem to be many heavily-laden associations with guilt that we should understand before wholeheartedly succumbing to it.
Who taught us to feel responsible for their own disappointments? Who told us what we should be feeling or how we ought to respond? It's not necessarily just our parents or grandparents. We learned it from TV shows, movies, novels, Police Officers, Headmasters, Sergeant Majors and Referees.
It's in that "disapproving look" and dismissive turn of the head. The stern, harsh glance away and squint of the...
The "battle of the sexes" would appear to be alive and thriving in our homes, businesses and communities. I use the term battle loosely as I believe there to be a big misconception about the function and purpose of conflict between men and women.
How Dare You...
Many of the men I coach express frustration at the endless testing they receive from their wives or girlfriends and even become insulted that the tests do not stop. Well, it's no wonder they are further aggravated to learn from me that the tests are not supposed to stop! Hmmm.
It's an important re-frame and perspective shift I give men and I feel it would be helpful to clue the ladies in on exactly why we welcome your tests.
Picture a wintry scene with the first snow fall covering the ground and a small pond frozen over at the end of the garden. Your small children excitedly run to try their best figure of eights, but you grab them by the scruff of the neck and urgently yell "Hold on there kids - not so fast!!"
As their ...
We are too busy trying to control the things we have no business controlling and relinquishing control where we have absolute domination.
As an admitted control freak myself, I feel fully qualified to expound on the trials and tribulations of life's greatest paradox...
The more controlling we are, the less we trust and feel at peace!
Come to think of it, I don't believe I know anyone who isn't somewhat controlling. Consider the agitated freeway driver who adamantly refuses to let you in to his lane from the on-ramp, or the nervous blind date companion who repeatedly calls the maître d' to confirm his reservation in the back patio, by the twinkly lights, but not too close to the noisy street!
How about your movie buddy who always orders the tickets ahead to save from selling out, only for you to realize that you never manage to get to see the movies you like! (Ok, that one was me)
Then there's the landlord who only accepts cashier's checks to his PO Box, the neighbor who...